We Love Forever

I think we will always miss those we lose and that we will never stop wishing they were still here with us. It's just that we learn to live with their absence. We learn to live our life without them. As impossible as that feels in the beginning.

If you look hard enough you can see a weathering in all who have mourned. We have given ourselves over to time because we had to. Because that is the only thing that brings us closer to and farther away from the people we love.

So however long it takes to find that place. However long it takes to put one foot in front of the other again. However long it takes to smile. To laugh. To love life again. Is simply how long it takes.

There is no right answer.

Think about how much you love your most cherished ones. While that love may have appeared instantaneously, over time it continued to grow and grow until the love was so big that there became no separation too vast and no amount of time too great that could ever reverse it.

We grieve until we don't grieve anymore, but we LOVE FOREVER.

(modified excerpt from C. Bidwell Smith "How long do we grieve")

DLF June 5, 2014 (for my Mum)
MR February 15, 2014
IR January 19, 2013
BEA March 6, 2008
CVA May 18, 1999

My Sweet Murray

On Saturday February 15, 2014, my heart shattered into a million more pieces. 

I said goodbye to my sweet Murray.

He told me with his eyes that it was time.

Grief is the proof of our love, a demonstration of how deeply we have allowed another to touch us.

"Before humans die, they write their last will and testament, give their home and all they have to those they leave behind. If, with my paws, I could do the same, this is what I'd ask... To a poor and lonely stray I'd give my happy home; my bowl and cozy bed, soft pillow and all my toys; the lap, which I loved so much; the hand that stroked my fur; and the sweet voice that spoke my name. I'd will to that sad, scared shelter kitty the place I had in my human's loving heart, of which there seemed no bounds. So, when I die, please do not say, "I will never have a pet again, for the loss and pain is more than I can stand." Instead, go and find an unloved kitty, one whose life has held no joy or hope, and give my place to him. This is the only thing I can give...the LOVE I left behind." - Author Unknown.

Hobbs slept in Murray's carrier for weeks after his passing. He still looks for his big brother every day.

When we lose someone we love, we find ourselves blessed with even more love than we ever knew existed.

My beloved Ira & Murray, brothers, my boys are together again. Mommy loves you!

Traditions

Christmas Eve used to be my favorite day each year.

Poinsettia earrings and apron
Bourbon on the rocks
Burl Ives, Johnny Mathis & Barbara Streisand Christmas carols
Setting up the nativity scene
Appetizers! Lots and lots of appetizers!
Butter spritz cookies - red & green, wreaths & trees
Light snow flurries, blanketing the trees and lawns
A warm, crackling fire
Lying under the Christmas tree and losing my thoughts among the multicolored lights
A lifetime of special ornaments
Snowmobile socks transformed into stockings
"Over the river and through the woods...."
Laughter, always genuine, hearty laughter!

LOVE - palpable, heart overfilling, protective, unconditional - LOVE

Somebody seemed to be missing Ira a great deal today...

I am not afraid...

I was born to do this.

JLR

Nobody can possess her Spirit. 

She is the embodiment of independence and freedom.

Nobody can buy her and she is not for sale.

Extraordinarily independent and vulnerable and feminine...and consumed by a fierce work ethic.

The only time she panics is when she is left with nothing more to do.

Balancing my feather

October 2006, desert journey...just myself and my guide.

It all began in the early morning. My day started with my desert bunnies nibbling on the dewy grass. The sky still dark by the night and the last of the stars fading into the light. Perched on the tallest rock bordering my kiva, with my coffee in hand, breathing in the sky watching the sun rise over the Catalina mountains.

My morning stretch released the cobwebs in my soul and my ZEN bootcamp elevated my heart rate, reminding me how great it feels to be ALIVE.

My private desert journey . . . I finally gave voice to the truths I'd been suppressing. Gave myself permission to be grateful and to acknowledge that I had learned all that I was meant to learn from the particular experience. And then, I balanced a tall peacock feather in the palm of my hand. And in the process I threw my head back so hard my sunglasses flew off, my heart presented itself to the sky and I Laughed like a child for the first time in what felt like FOREVER.

It would be several more years before I finally let it all go. Closed that door...for good.

Embracing What's Next.

I balanced my feather today...and in the process I threw my head back, presented my heart to the sky and I listened and waited to hear the laughter of my inner child. But it never came. I'll try again tomorrow.

A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

"She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go. She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around in her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within herself. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go. She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go. She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go.

She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope, She just let go. She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go. There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that. In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore." - Ernest Holmes

She Just Let Go.

February 16, 1993 - September 10, 2013. A "Mary Richards" kind of a day.

Remind you of anyone?

http://vimeo.com/51914620

7 months.

If you asked me how many times you’ve crossed my mind I would say once because you never left. I still feel your playfulness everywhere.

Love you so much, sweet boy.

February 5, 1917 - May 18, 1999

Dear Grandpa,

I wish that I could sit next to you one last time, to interrupt you reading your newspaper after the long day’s work and try to make you laugh. To shift your attention to mine.

I wish that I could stand next to you in your workshop for just one more day. You won’t let me tinker with whatever it is you’re fixing and I’ll hand you all the wrong tools but I’d be so happy being there just to hear all the funny things you'd say.

I wish that I could hold your hand for one last minute, so I could feel your big strong fingers in mine. To look up at you thinking you're the best Grandpa a girl could ever have.

I wish that I could hug you for one last hour, and tell you you're the greatest, that I listened to all you said and I learned from you, more than you'll ever know.

I miss you, my dear Grandpa. Each day, I pray you watch out for me, live in my heart and forever be my guiding light.

Grateful to my Friend, Mentor & fellow Ambassador of Fitness!

"SURROUND YOURSELF with the DREAMERS and the DOERS. the BELIEVERS and the THINKERS, but most of all SURROUND YOURSELF WITH THOSE WHO SEE the GREATNESS WITHIN YOU, especially when you've lost sight of it yourself"

Thank you for always being a Dreamer and a Doer. A Believer, a Thinker, and especially...a Seer!

After we spoke I happened to see the following quote. It further reinforces your point. Thanks for the validation and perspective.

Mother's Day - 05/09/1999

Her eyes met ours as she walked down the corridor peering apprehensively into the cages. We felt her need instantly and knew we had to help her.

We chased each others tail, not too exuberantly, so she wouldn't be afraid. As she stopped at our cage we blocked her view from a little accident we had in the back of our cage. We didn't want her to know that our cage hadn't been cleaned yet today. Sometimes the overworked shelter keepers get too busy and we didn't want her to think poorly of them.

As she read our shelter card we hoped that she wouldn't feel sad about our past.We only have the future to look forward to and want to make a difference in someone's life.

She got down on her knees and made little kissy sounds at us.  We shoved a shoulder and side of our head up against the bars to comfort her. Gentle fingertips caressed our neck; she was desperate for companionship. A tear fell down her cheek and we raised a paw to assure her that all would be well.

Soon our cage door opened and her smile was so bright that we instantly jumped into her arms. (Of course it took one of us longer...about 2 hours...to give her the purr she so desperately wished to hear.)

 We would promise to keep her safe.
 We would promise to always be by her side.
 We would promise to do everything we could to see that radiant smile and sparkle in her eyes.

We were so fortunate that she came down our corridor. So many more are out there who haven't walked the corridors. So many more to be saved. At least we could save one.

We rescued a human today.

Murray & Ira (also known as Gumdrop & Gilligan)

Promise Me

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh

 

 

"Something always brings me back to you....

...it never takes too long." Performed my new aerial silks routine in this show last Sunday. I also did a synchronized lyra routine and a trio act on chandelier. Grateful to have had my mum in the audience; her first time to see me perform live! Read my character's bio below:

Skylar Skuttlebutt is vice president for global business development and day-to-day operations leader for the data analytics sector at XYZ Company. She currently leads a TOP SECRET project (CodeName: MUNDANE) that is primed to exponentially increase the bureaucracy and complacency for earthbound organizations through the innovative utilization of spreadsheets. Rarely seen without her glasses or her datafiles, Skylar earned multiple degrees in advanced mathematics, statistics, aerial dance and aerospace exploration. Considered a rising star and the heir apparent to lead XYZ Company - after all the "good ole boys" croak or 2085 whichever comes first - her once passionate, adventurous Spirit is bruised by the weight of innumerable (& inane) corporate restructuring, "profitability enhancing" cutbacks and that nasty, stock plummeting AG investigation into the sibling company back in 2004. Though she can no longer see the Sky through the Stars, Skylar still comes into work every day - for nearly a quarter century now - carrying the Glitter of Hope that Good really does Prevail and Dreams become Reality.

And then there was One...

Pioneers & poster children. We carved our own path. Several helped, a few didn't. Others followed but they all fell. It's been a very tough road and yet, we consistently demonstrated success. And still some disagree and dismiss. (Well friend, that's their SH*T, Shame on them!) Nearly 20 years, there should be no doubt...this was a successful pilot program. Mission Accomplished.

We were an army of two. A team. From the clients and businesses on through, we were a team. We won together, we lost together. We celebrated and we mourned together. And defeats were softened and victories sweeter because we did them together...
 

"Life is short and you should spend your time working with people you enjoy."

Eric Schmidt, Executive Chairman Google

After the Crash (x2)!

First performance (April 2012) back up on my fabric. It's a short routine, based more on transitional choreography and complex trickery (per the artistic director's vision) but I am pleased that I held my iron cross & split lean out. Strong & solidly, putting the accidents behind me...

It's always an honor to share the stage with Kristen & Ruth, both on single trapeze.

EXCLAMATION POINT!!!

My first 4 words: Passion - Peaceful - Talented - Happy

Hopeful

My friend Steve took this magnificent photograph and to me it captures how it feels to be Hopeful.