We Love Forever

I think we will always miss those we lose and that we will never stop wishing they were still here with us. It's just that we learn to live with their absence. We learn to live our life without them. As impossible as that feels in the beginning.

If you look hard enough you can see a weathering in all who have mourned. We have given ourselves over to time because we had to. Because that is the only thing that brings us closer to and farther away from the people we love.

So however long it takes to find that place. However long it takes to put one foot in front of the other again. However long it takes to smile. To laugh. To love life again. Is simply how long it takes.

There is no right answer.

Think about how much you love your most cherished ones. While that love may have appeared instantaneously, over time it continued to grow and grow until the love was so big that there became no separation too vast and no amount of time too great that could ever reverse it.

We grieve until we don't grieve anymore, but we LOVE FOREVER.

(modified excerpt from C. Bidwell Smith "How long do we grieve")

DLF June 5, 2014 (for my Mum)
MR February 15, 2014
IR January 19, 2013
BEA March 6, 2008
CVA May 18, 1999

My Sweet Murray

On Saturday February 15, 2014, my heart shattered into a million more pieces. 

I said goodbye to my sweet Murray.

He told me with his eyes that it was time.

Grief is the proof of our love, a demonstration of how deeply we have allowed another to touch us.

"Before humans die, they write their last will and testament, give their home and all they have to those they leave behind. If, with my paws, I could do the same, this is what I'd ask... To a poor and lonely stray I'd give my happy home; my bowl and cozy bed, soft pillow and all my toys; the lap, which I loved so much; the hand that stroked my fur; and the sweet voice that spoke my name. I'd will to that sad, scared shelter kitty the place I had in my human's loving heart, of which there seemed no bounds. So, when I die, please do not say, "I will never have a pet again, for the loss and pain is more than I can stand." Instead, go and find an unloved kitty, one whose life has held no joy or hope, and give my place to him. This is the only thing I can give...the LOVE I left behind." - Author Unknown.

Hobbs slept in Murray's carrier for weeks after his passing. He still looks for his big brother every day.

When we lose someone we love, we find ourselves blessed with even more love than we ever knew existed.

My beloved Ira & Murray, brothers, my boys are together again. Mommy loves you!

Traditions

Christmas Eve used to be my favorite day each year.

Poinsettia earrings and apron
Bourbon on the rocks
Burl Ives, Johnny Mathis & Barbara Streisand Christmas carols
Setting up the nativity scene
Appetizers! Lots and lots of appetizers!
Butter spritz cookies - red & green, wreaths & trees
Light snow flurries, blanketing the trees and lawns
A warm, crackling fire
Lying under the Christmas tree and losing my thoughts among the multicolored lights
A lifetime of special ornaments
Snowmobile socks transformed into stockings
"Over the river and through the woods...."
Laughter, always genuine, hearty laughter!

LOVE - palpable, heart overfilling, protective, unconditional - LOVE

Somebody seemed to be missing Ira a great deal today...

I am not afraid...

I was born to do this.

JLR

Nobody can possess her Spirit. 

She is the embodiment of independence and freedom.

Nobody can buy her and she is not for sale.

Extraordinarily independent and vulnerable and feminine...and consumed by a fierce work ethic.

The only time she panics is when she is left with nothing more to do.

Balancing my feather

October 2006, desert journey...just myself and my guide.

It all began in the early morning. My day started with my desert bunnies nibbling on the dewy grass. The sky still dark by the night and the last of the stars fading into the light. Perched on the tallest rock bordering my kiva, with my coffee in hand, breathing in the sky watching the sun rise over the Catalina mountains.

My morning stretch released the cobwebs in my soul and my ZEN bootcamp elevated my heart rate, reminding me how great it feels to be ALIVE.

My private desert journey . . . I finally gave voice to the truths I'd been suppressing. Gave myself permission to be grateful and to acknowledge that I had learned all that I was meant to learn from the particular experience. And then, I balanced a tall peacock feather in the palm of my hand. And in the process I threw my head back so hard my sunglasses flew off, my heart presented itself to the sky and I Laughed like a child for the first time in what felt like FOREVER.

It would be several more years before I finally let it all go. Closed that door...for good.

Embracing What's Next.

I balanced my feather today...and in the process I threw my head back, presented my heart to the sky and I listened and waited to hear the laughter of my inner child. But it never came. I'll try again tomorrow.